WHAT IS BONDAGE FOR ME AND WHY I DO IT – (english)

I don’t know what Bondage is.
I mean, I do it, I study and practice it, I perform it on stages, but I don’t know exactly what it is.
Because, besides any official description that one can read online or on manuals, it could be too many things, each person who does Bondage could do a step ahead and say that “Bondage is…”.
Indeed, subjectively I developed a certain idea too about Bondage and my way to do it, but I can only say what it is for me.
I didn’t have any clear vision about what it was when I started, I only knew that I wanted to be tied.
This happened many years ago, maybe seven or eight, I was still wandering around in Italy struggling with some aspects of my life that were waiting to be faced, and it was my body asking me to be restricted in ropes.
It may sound curious, especially for people who are not used to “body language” and to listen to what happens in our physical level, but it was exactly like this.
At that time I was already doing Shiatsu and Aikido since many years (for the ones who don’t know what I am talking about please refer and do research about the Shiatsu Masunaga system and the story of the Aikido founder Morihei Ueshiba), and besides my not athletic body, I developed a certain strength, elasticity, resistance, and a different energetic level.
Who knows how my mind connected what I did through those disciplines until that moment to Bondage.
Anyway, my first attempt to be tied was unsuccessful.
I didn’t get back a satisfying answer, my body felt too uncomfortable and painful and I thought that it was my fault and I was too big and fat to be in ropes.
So I decided that I wanted to learn about how to tie, instead of being tied, and I gave up my first desire.
Also because at that time in Italy there were not so many possibilities like the ones that there are today and it was not easy to find a rigger, especially for me, since I was not living in a big city.
I did a couple of workshops, then I tried to practice in any way I could.
Then, after some personal life changes, I decided to move to Berlin, almost 4 years ago.
I moved to Berlin not only to run away from a decadent and stagnant situation but also because I wanted to go deeper into the BDSM world and learn more about Bondage.
Once I arrived I started almost immediately to study and to practice it, but of course, I didn’t have again a clear idea about it.
In my life, I had many “beginnings” of things.
The biggest ones always started with difficulties and chaos, with situations where I am confused and I don’t know the way, not having any clue about what is happening.
For example, I remember when I started with Shiatsu, my body was sick, heavy, I couldn’t bend my legs at all, my right knee was painful (without finding any cure) for more than ten years, I couldn’t stand up for more than a few minutes, I was almost totally isolated from the “normal” life around and depressed, and I didn’t know what would have been of me the day after.
It took me some time to change that state, going through different stages of a “healing” process.
I am not a big fan of this word, I think its sense has been too much used and abused, maybe I prefer the word “transformation”, or “evolution”.
Anyway, it was like de-constructing my body and build it up again.
With Aikido I remember that I started in my little town (think I was 25 or 26 at that time) with a pretty peculiar teacher: he came from Milan there to follow his partner, who left him once they arrived there.
His story was full of traumas in his childhood (according to what he was saying) and he was continuously telling us about it, and mixing his past with some naive psychological and esoteric explanations with the teaching of the Aikido.
He had no structure, and the teaching was confusing, and my body was still stiff and not able to move, so for me, that experience was like hell, I didn’t understand anything for years of what I was doing.
I had many accidents, many troubles, at that time I was doing jobs like a dishwasher or waitress, and my heavy and fat body hurt a lot and I felt many times clumsy and ridiculous between the normal people.
Also because often I was the only “almost pathetic” one in the groups.
But I wanted to do Aikido anyway at that point, I felt a connection with the discipline beside that teacher and beside all the troubles that I had.
I decided to move to another city at one point to follow another Aikido master, I was 30 at that time.
Since then my vision and my practice of it changed.
The new master was clear, honest in the practice, a true leader which gave us students something, that I, after many years, still bring with me.
I also followed a Japanese master at that time, who was this new master’s master, I still remember many of his words and teaching, which I will never forget.
This happened through about 20 years of life since I met Shiatsu and Aikido for the first time.
Then Bondage arrived, and I am still wondering how it could be that during my life I am going through three different disciplines concerning bodywork all coming from Japan, without explicitly searching for them but just following the instinct of what fits my research.
If I’d have a hippy and new age side I could say that it’s something about Karma or reincarnation, maybe in a past life I could have been someone from Japan who did some magic stuff with martial arts or a samurai with a beautiful katana in the hands, or a calligraph.
Or maybe a Japanese whore.
But I don’t have any hippy or new age side, so sorry, this doesn’t work.
And I have never been (yet) to Japan, and I am not even sure if I will go there one day or not.
So Bondage arrived as a deeper experience about bodywork for me, I just felt that I wanted to do it after having already experienced the two other Japanese disciplines I talked about.
With time, here in Berlin, I am developing my technique, my flow.
I remember that, when I started, I did it with the few notions I learned when I was still in Italy, combined with some Shiatsu and body movements coming from Aikido, and the idea of working with energy.
Again, no new-age stuff here, the concept of life energy is pretty rooted in the physical level for the Oriental cultures.
Some of you might have heard about the Chinese word “Chi” (Tai-Chi, for example) which has its correspondent “Ki” in Japan (Ai-Ki-Do, and many others).
“Ki” is the Life energy.
So in the beginning, with Bondage, I just used to repeat what I already knew, but with some ropes in my hands, as an extension, moving energy in my partners’ bodies.
No technique, no structure, no goals.
Just doing something, wrapping around ropes randomly, manipulating who was there in ropes.
Then some structures came, and it is still developing, with time, and practice.
But my main interest, in the vision of what Bondage is for me, is not to show that I can perform a technique or a series of beautiful knots on a body, being completely detached, but to use all my tools, still the ones from my past, to create a palette to express something that comes from inside, like an expressionist painting.
Because Bondage, as I mean it, should go deep and coming from a deeply uncomfortable place as well, and not staying on the surface of the skin.
What do we find when we go deep?
I think that there are different levels, but most of the time is dark down there, there are fears, traumas, sadness, unclear instincts, non-conventional behaviors, perversions, pain…
When I do Bondage I live all those layers, I bring them up to the light, I let them run through the ropes on my partners’ bodies, I live them in real-time recreating them.
The pain that they feel is the echo of my pain, the sadness that they express in ropes is the echo of my sadness, the pleasure that they experience is my pleasure, the struggles that they feel being uncomfortable in ropes is like mine in life, their shame is mine, brought up to resonate with my feelings and shown to a hypothetical audience through the beauty of it, through art and the research of a shape for that body, for an asymmetric, imperfect, suffering balance, in a moment that often is out of time.
I am not away from the scene when I tie, I am not an untouchable rigger who is not involved in what is happening, I am touched as well.
It’s a vibration, a sensation, an irrational feeling, but it’s there, I am touching the core when I tie, mine and one of the people I tie and I am connected with.
That’s why it is only reasonable for me to have stable and trusted partners in ropes, who resonate with this levels and who are in contact with their deeper levels as well, or at least willing to explore and express these feelings together.
Recently I have been also tied up again.
And in full suspension, three times.
It was crazy, like an LSD trip, I have lost the coordinates of time and space, I felt so much pain and I went through it anyway, I didn’t know anymore which shape my body had, where were the legs, where the head, and it looked like I didn’t know anymore how to breathe.
A blast.
I am not a physical masochist, by the way, I am sure that if someone provokes pain on my body I might stand up and punch them violently in the face.
But with ropes is different.
Because it is not about pain, it is about deepness.
I am not sure how this becomes erotic for me, I am still wondering about.
But I am sure that the erotic level should be there, somewhere.
I noticed also that something particular happens when I went through some hard moments here in Berlin.
A couple of times, more than other occasions, I experienced this deep emotional pain that couldn’t have been expressed in any way.
I was searching for a way to bring it out, maybe crying, but it was stuck inside.
In those moments I felt the need to experience ropes, to suffer through them, to help me bring out those deep emotions and that deep, deaf pain and let them out.
Maybe that’s why, also, I have this way to let people suffer in ropes because often it resonates with me and my inner emotional state.
And that’s why also I gave up searching for the exact name of any technique that I use of any style I might recall during the tie.
It’s my Bondage now, coming from my core.

Photo by Micha Stella during my performance “BLACK” at Eurix Autumn 2019 – in ropes Behepa

Rispondi

Inserisci i tuoi dati qui sotto o clicca su un'icona per effettuare l'accesso:

Logo di WordPress.com

Stai commentando usando il tuo account WordPress.com. Chiudi sessione /  Modifica )

Google photo

Stai commentando usando il tuo account Google. Chiudi sessione /  Modifica )

Foto Twitter

Stai commentando usando il tuo account Twitter. Chiudi sessione /  Modifica )

Foto di Facebook

Stai commentando usando il tuo account Facebook. Chiudi sessione /  Modifica )

Connessione a %s...